About strong mother of two

   Hello, I am a mother of two boy 4 and 5.  I am from california.  I have a job that barely makes my bills and i go to school so one day i will be a psychologist and help all the people i possible can.  I have a dream for my family to get a home for my children.  I dont make enough to get a home loan. I wish i could get a secound job but their is no childcare open 24/7.  I have a child in speach therapy he had a delay in speach now he is stuttering. My secound child has sevire behavioral problems and is in a special needs program. Just the other day he cut his teacher.  he also throws big tempertantrums i mean throwing things breaking windows hitting bitting people out of control.  One teacher told me i need to medicate him he is out of control this offended me.  I dont want my child on chemicals i would perfer to use natural things like teas or herbs.  i would rather him find a way to deal with his anger some coping mechanism.  I am not so quick to medicate my thought is if one day he stops taking the medicin on his own when he gets older he is going to have to deal with it than so why not learn it while he is young.  i do get stressed i do cry but i deal with it because i know it will be for the best when he grows and learns how to deal with his emotions on his own appropriatly.  The father of  my boys got deported and he wants me to move to mexico and live their.  though i have much love for him i have so many oppertunities for my babies hear i cant do that to them.  I try to explain how tough i have it over hear its going to be that much tougher for us over their.  i struggle everyday but i do this for my boys they saved my life really?  I have a bad past before i was a mother i was doing drugs and stupid irresponsable things.  it is embarassing and nobudy knows about my past exept my family of course.  i have been off of drugs when i found out i was pregnant and have been clean ever sence.  i grew up in a home of drinking and drugs abuse mulestations rapes. my dad beat me with things and left me alone with his friend to rape me than told me it was my fault that i wanted it.  i was 13 he was 3o something who wants that?  I know i am getting a bit personal and that is why i am anonymous.  i cant hold it in anymore it hurts. i get flashbacks of everything that has ever happened to me.  it wont leave my head i relive it... as i was saying though my boys test me and push me but they saved my life would i still be off drugs if i didnt have kids probobly no i would still be using but i just couldnt do to my children what my dad has done to me i didnt have the heart to do that to them they dont deserve that.. they deserve a chance to live the best life i in my power can give them.  They gave me my dreams they gave me my goals. ha they even give me my stress.  out side i try to put out this "i am so strong" effect.  though inside i feel week.  i have a dream to give my children a home a home of our own being 25 with two kids i believe i should have this but i feel it is to out of reach.  i dont make enough money for a loan i wanted t get a mobile home their cheeper than regular homes.  i work so hard but still dont have much.  i will go so long without anything new for myself just to give to my children.  i want to cry i feel like giving up right now.  but tomorrow ill wake up get up for work and do another day.  using again is not an option not to say i dont struugle with my own mind but i just cant i might as well die first before i use drugs again i would loose everthing i work so hard for every single day.  you might read this and think WOW way to much information can you believe thie crazy nut... i tell you though i dont like to ask for help i am so stubern it would take away from the fake i am so strong attitude i give, right?  i am not strong  i need help and i dont know what to do i am scared i am lonely and i hurt i am everthing i pretend not to be. this is not a joke this is not a fake this is someone who doesnt know how to get herself out of this hole of being poor god if i could only get a home of my own. i ahd an appartment once but they kept raising the rent a one bedroom appt small infested 1000$ a month. out on our own though i had much better self esteem i was so proud of myself how ashamed i was when i had to move into my grandmothers house with my mother.  well i guess i will i have typed enough of my life story im sure... right?  sorry for rambling on..... thank you!